600 Paintings in 30 Days15 min read

by | May 31, 2018 | Monkey Mind

I’m still doin’ it.

Letting (HIM) stop me from turning a new level of Pro.

At least, I think that’s what I’m doing…

…it’s either (HE’s) stopping me from doing the work I’m supposed to do to get to the next step I need to get to, or (HE’s) stopping me from taking the next step I’m ready to take but (HE’s) afraid to take it.

Either way, my psoas pain is back and I’m very disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

The pain isn’t as bad as it was, yet, but it’s still bad enough that it brings me down, and then I don’t wanna do anything cause my frequency is low and my slippery slope, once again, has slowed down my journey to Satori, thanks to the fear of something I can’t see.

But, to be honest.

I have a lot on the go, which makes me feel overwhelmed and the fear of uncertainty is probably the root cause of what’s bringing me down.

But, I have good news…

I picked up the Biopulsar machine I’ve been waiting for for awhile now and I’ve been learning this new colour language and how colour can heal and support health in each energy system: mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually – and it’s very exciting stuff, if you ask me.

However, there’s soooo much information to absorb and there are a lot of colours to learn, and then I have to know how they affect the chakras and the organs and what they mean, as it relates to the aura…

It’s very exciting, really, because this is what’s gonna save the world from self-destructing, and I’m excited to tell people about it… but I’m not ready yet, and the pressure to be ready when I’m not makes it impossible for me to enjoy the learning curves, because (TIME) and (MONEY) make me worry I’m not going fast enough… again.

Which means fear has me suffocating, again…

But, who’s fault is that, mine or (HIS)?

Am I making (HIM) out to be worse than what he is?

Is my flawed interpretation of things really the root of my resistance, or is the pressure (HE) puts on me a byproduct of (HIM) not having any control, and that makes (HIM) push me to go faster, so (HE) can feel like (HE) has control…?

I dunno.

…I just gotta keep trying to remind you that I am going at the right speed and it’s gonna take some time, because I’m figuring out a brand new industry, really.

The school for life where you go for Health Detective Coaching and soul therapy…

It’s really an exciting time in my story when I stop letting fear control me.

I’ve been doing biopulsar scans on myself about 5-6 times a day, so I can see what’s going on and if my self-care plans actually work. Right now, I don’t have anything to report in regards to the efficacy of my self-care, cause I haven’t really started anything yet, but based on the readings I’ve done so far, I do see that I consistently have grey in my lung, shoulder and chest area.

Which could mean several things…

From a mental standpoint, it could be because my Monster is suffocating me with urgency, which is why it feels like I can’t breathe, which is what I suspected all along…

It could be because I’m too afraid to speak my truth and stand up to (HIM) and tell (HIM) how it is, and that I’m right with my timing, so fuck off with the fear of not enough time…

From an emotional standpoint, it could be because of all the heartbreak, still…

The grief.
The loss.

You don’t realize what those emotions are doing in the background, but they suck your frequency dry so you’re always dehydrated, which could also be why the area shows up grey. It’s like dead energy.

But, from a physical standpoint, it could also mean cancer again. Which is a possibility because lung cancer is common after breast cancer, plus my grandmother died from that, but I dunno if it’s genetic or not.

But, you shouldn’t worry about me.

I’m determined to beat this…
All of it.

All the things I can’t say ’cause of (HIM), I’m gonna say them, starting now.

I’m gonna start by calling Sleep Country tomorrow and telling them my new bed is too hard and I want the older version cause it’s softer and that’s what I wanted all along.

Then, I’m gonna get my car insurance changed over…

I’m also gonna get a new phone number, cause it’s time to let go of the idea that Vanessa is ever gonna call me…

And I’m gonna sit down and read the Biopulsar information 13 times, cause then I’ll know it enough to feel good enough and then I’m gonna book the colour therapy class, ’cause I think I need the extra help.

And then I’m gonna practice painting…

Cause that’s the other thing I’m working on.

Turning myself into a watercolour artist, which I know seems a bit unnecessary right now, doesn’t it?

After everything else I got on the go, I should put something like painting on hold, cause that’s not gonna make me the money my Monster needs to be happy.

And maybe that’s the root of my resistance…

I don’t know how to project manage myself and that’s what Arnold was initially doing, and I think it helped… then again, he says I’m hard to project manage and I think he’s right, but I’m probably could use a project manager again.

I would try harder to listen to their plans for me, if I had one again…

I think I just need someone to help me pick up the loose ends I can’t seem to pick up…

Someone to do the editing and to post things on my social media channels when I can’t, cause I can’t seem to commit to it. As much as I want to do it just doesn’t seem to be a priority… maybe I’m not really ready to be online social?

I am ready to be one-on-one social and I also wouldn’t mind havin’ someone to rub my back when it starts to hurt from my poor posture and lack of structural support, thanks to my lopsided boobs…

And someone to tell me to stop being so lazy and someone to help me to take a break and have some fun for once…

Anyway, if I had the help I need, it would save me a lot of stress, cause the truth is I dunno how to stop myself from doing so much.

I could stop myself from the painting thing but it’s something I’ve been putting off for a really long time, cause I was afraid of it, cause I don’t wanna know how much I suck, but lately my grandmother Beverly keeps coming over for tea and she keeps telling me to do it.

She told me the kind of paper and paints to buy, and she told me what to do and she says I’m good enough to be like her, and I don’t know if that’s true but she’s convinced me to give it try….

She wants me to use the Biopulsar to paint people’s auras as abstract watercolours, using different bleed techniques… I think.

I can see the series of these paintings being really cool…

I’ve been playing around with the watercolour a bit and I really love the style and the way the paint moves with the water, and how the blending happens on its own if you go slow and you have control. But, control is hard with this medium ’cause the water decides where the paint goes, so you have to be very intentional about where you lay the water down.

Anyway, it’s become my new obsession and I was planning on doing this anatomy series where I paint the different organs associated to each chakra, monochromatic style, so all the same colour but different shades of that colour.

Nice idea, in theory, but my frustration is that I suck in reality…

Even though I love it, I really don’t know what I was thinking when this seemed like a good idea and I don’t know what Beverley was thinking either.

She knows I was never into watercolour and for a good reason. It’s really hard. And when you’re under extreme pressure to make a lot of money fast, while at the same time trying to master an artistic craft – it just isn’t realistic.

But, that being said, I’m not giving up.

…and I realize what I’m saying probably says a lot about my why I have psoas pain. My demands are actually insane and my body is trying to tell me something. I just don’t understand what it’s saying…

To stop what I’m doing or go faster?

Both of those options are loaded with fear, which is why I’m trying to ignore them and just go with the flow in my Daily Hustle….

Cause the thing is, I don’t feel like I’m really controlling this.

I feel like I wake up and I let my intuition guide me by allowing the higher ups to move me in the direction I’m supposed to go.

I think the Angels tell me what to do and I’m listening more than ever because I trust myself more…

I trust them more than (HIM) and it’s a different way of living for me. Very different, really.

And it’s when I let (HIM) sway my intuition that the pain sets in and I feel like I can’t breathe.

And the reality is, in order to master any kind of skill, regardless of what it is, be it art or just a new way of thinking, you have to practice it like it’s your religion.

It has to become repetition which means you have to fight the fear of not feeling good enough and sit down and do the work.

You have to fight the feelings of not feeling ready… or not feeling like you have the energy… or not feeling like you don’t have enough of something.

You will never feel ready to change, so you have to be stronger than how your Monster thinks…

You have to be willing to accept that you’re not gonna be good enough till you do a lot of shitty ones and it’s being willing to accept that after enough shitty ones, you’ll eventually have to ship something that you don’t really love, but that’s the only way to get momentum and with enough momentum you’ll start to create things you’re proud of.

And how long that takes is independent on how much energy you put into it.

But, say the duration it’s gonna take for you to change and manifest something you’re proud of is already predetermined?

What if the higher-ups have already decided that you have to do 600 pieces of “shitty work” before you get to good enough…

And if you follow the theory of karmic imprinting, which suggests that who you become and the stories you attract are based on the first 6 years of your life, and how you were raised will influence the degree to which you are suffering, which will subsequently create your Monster, which is the personality you have that drives your thoughts, feelings and actions, and thus creates your personal reality. 

So, say, based all those variables, it’s gonna take you ten thousand days to get to the level of Pro you’re striving for.

But, what if you could change the effects your karmic imprinting has on you?

What if you could overcome the invisible resistance simply by finding self-awareness, and what if, instead of letting your Monster slow you down, you could cut your time in half and you could get to good enough in five thousand days instead, simply because you showed up more often than you normally would, if you let fear control you. 

And, say, you do accelerate your War of Art and you turn Pro faster than you thought you would, imagine what that would do for your soul?

For your healing and self worth?

This is what it takes to become the best version of yourself…

Fighting the fear by doing the work, even when you don’t want to and you keep going more often than you don’t and the more you fight, the more you change the wiring in your brain and you release the negative energy in your heart, and that’s how the Monster slowly disappears, cause it’s like you’re reprogramming yourself with new information and eventually becoming someone else. Someone worth knowing, cause you raise the frequency in everyone you meet. 

Anyway, this is what I’m gonna try to do…

I’m gonna try to accelerate my next level of Pro by doing 600 paintings in 30 days, so that, by the end of July, I can be ready to ship some art.

I feel like I can do this cause I put in a lot of painting practice when I was a kid, so I have the skill imprinted in me, I just have to find it again by practicing.

But, you wanna know what’s also cool about this?

I can see how painting really changes my frequency in my aura when I measure myself with a Biopulsar reading after I’ve been painting for a bit.

When I’m painting, the grey in my head and heart goes down a bit and my aura is much brighter, greener, which is a sign of healing and inner peace, which tells me I’m getting back on my path to Satori…

Which isn’t a surprise, painting and drawing have always been very healing for me… it is for a lot of people I think, we just have to stop doing it when we start adulting, which is the root of all the self-destruction problems, if you ask me.

Anyway, I guess what I’m sayin’ is, even though I’m resistant to the practice, I also trust that my intuition is pushing me to do it for a reason, and I just think that’s because this was always the story I was telling.

The story about awakening the artist within, and I’m the artist and I’m still awakening… but it’s happening.

INSTA LIFE

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