In A Bad Mood6 min read

by | Jun 2, 2018 | Monkey Mind

I’m in a bad mood…

It’s the first day of my period and my cramps feel like gremlins are ripping my uterus out…

Plus, I have like a million self-inflicted demands I’m trying to manage. I already told you about them so I’m not gonna get into them here, but I would like to talk about something else that’s bothering me, if you have some time?

Sure, what is it?

Why you’re not helping me with the watercolour art…?

You’re the one that told me to do it and so I’m doing it, and it’s not coming together and now I’m not sure if it’s it the right thing to do, but you told Elizabeth and Tammy that it was, and so I guess I just expected to have it figured it out by now.

Well, Sarah, you just started so you need to be patient and practice as much as possible. 

No, I didn’t just start.

I did it for years before you died, so it’s imprinted in me just as much as the pain of losing you is, so I should be able to leverage the skills of watercolour painting, like I can the tears… but I can’t.

And I’m so mad.

What’s stopping me?

Is it the paper?
Is it the paints?
Is it the brushes?

Is it the amount of water I’m using?

I am having a hard time getting the technique…

And I had this plan to do the aura paintings in watercolour, but they just aren’t coming together.

And I can’t decide if it’s supposed to be like the Biopulsar picture or if it’s like abstract bleeds of the colours in the auras and it’s just whatever happens when the paint falls on the paper…

That makes the most sense, doesn’t it?

That’s the easiest way to replicate a common theme…

What I like about this technique is that it really creates a cool picture that really captures the true essence of watercolour…

The paint just forms to the water…
And the water goes where you tell it to go…

And sometimes you can plan it out with the strokes of the brush and sometimes you don’t and can use things like a spray bottle or wet on on wet, and you add heavy drops and watch the paint go wherever it wants…

So, I dunno…
I guess I just gotta keep practicing the bleeds.

I feel like that could be it and maybe I’m just over thinking it?

Maybe I do just need to practice more…

Fuck, I wish you were here so I could talk to you about it. I feel so unsure lately. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get somewhere again and I have no friends and all my feelings are changing and I don’t know how to deal with it and I just wanna be where I’m going.

And I want someone to join me in the journey, so I can have someone to talk to. Someone that really gets it.

Another artist, or maybe someone who knows what it’s like to feel trapped on their inside…

I just want out.

I thought I was close to getting out last week, but this week I don’t feel close at all.

I feel stuck again.

The fear of time and money are in my heart chakra, slowing down my heart rate and circulation, making it hard for me to get enough oxygen to feel alive and thriving.

So, I’m just wondering, why are you letting this happen to me?

You’re supposed to help when I ask you for help, and I don’t feel you helping…

So, maybe I made all of this up just to get by and now I’m starting to see that I’m actually crazy…

I dunno.

I’m gonna go do something else, for now.
I’m sorry if you are real and I’m bringing the frequency down…

It’s been an off-day and I feel like I just need a breakthrough or a sign to show me I’m on the right track…

Give me that and I’ll take what I said back.

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