MIXED MESSAGES

The Pieces in Between 

Afraid to Die

Why are we so afraid to die, when we don’t really know what it’s like on the other side? That’s what I’ve been wondering lately. And, up until recently, I was pretty convinced it was better over there, because that’s where unconditional love is, so there’s only...

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Change in Direction

No, you can’t predict the future, so why bother planning ahead? ...that’s what I’ve been contemplating lately. Cause the reality is, plans change relentlessly, don’t they? ...Which makes making plans seem pointless, if they don’t pan out the way you hoped they would,...

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Make Some Mistakes

              You have to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, because they weren't really mistakes, they were experiences that taught you something about yourself. About life. And that’s what life is all about... Experiencing, learning and growing. And you...

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Alone

I never wanted to be alone. I fought to hold onto the old, like most people do. But, when cancer got me, I had no choice but to let go of control and let the law of attraction take over, which forced me to be alone when I was at my worst, and it was horrible, at...

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Great People

The greats aren’t great for the reasons that we think they are. They aren’t just great for the things everyone knows about... In fact, most of the seemingly great things that great people are known for are the things they, themselves, don’t really give a shit about....

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Sam Esmail

              I imagine what’s happening to me is what happened to Sam Esmail, when he was writing Mr. Robot. Well, maybe not exactly. He probably didn’t have to document his life to create epic shit. He just did it from his imagination. Me, on the other hand... I...

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Peace

              Sometimes, going to sleep can be scary, cause you risk not waking up. But, then again, what’s so scary about that? If you never wake up, you wouldn’t know, you would just cross over to the other side where it’s Pure Love... at least, that’s the...

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I’m Different

              The more I fall in love with you, the more free I feel, and the more that happens, the deeper into my cave of creativity I go, and my ideas heighten to a level that I never knew was possible, and I feel that sensation: obsession. And that’s why my...

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The Thing About Love

              I guess one other reason I like watching shows on Netflix is that it makes me feel less alone, whenever I feel alone, which isn’t very often. But then, sometimes I think I’m lying to myself. But, that’s cause I’m trying to pretend that being alone is...

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Mary

It’s hard to see the cycles we get ourselves stuck in, isn’t it? It’s hard to see when our Monsters are keeping us trapped in our self-sabotaging ways of thinking about things. And so, we get stuck feeling the same feelings and never changing our ways of being. And,...

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Abraham Hicks

It’s in the silence that we find peace, and peace kills the fear, and thus we can find out what we really want in life…

Then when we know what we want, we keep meditating and eventually we get the answers on what to do to get what we want, and we trust ourselves more, which helps us take better action… so things happen faster.

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Listen to the Fan

              No more planning, ok. Well, you can have your general plan, like the goals you want to achieve, but stop overthinking the tiny details, so far ahead, cause it's not working. Plans change, and, really, you're just wasting time, distracting yourself from...

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I Love Her

Aside from me and my cats, I feel pretty alone here... And, if it wasn’t for them, I’d probably have disappeared a long time ago. They give me love when I don’t think I need it and they don’t give it to me when I think I want it. Which forces me to look for it inside...

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Pendulum Gets Answer

Lately, I base all my decisions on what pendulum says. I know that’s bad, cause what it really means is that I don’t trust myself. But it’s true. I don’t. I can’t, with the pain I have. And I don't think I wouldn’t do this to me, which means my monster is controlling...

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Abyss of Hopelessness

I’m preparing for the next stage of my evolution. This is the part I’ve been waiting for, and, fuck, does it ever feel good. I honestly didn’t think I was ever going to make out of my pit of darkness alive. The pain has been so bad I had myself convinced I was dying...

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Erase The Lines on my Face

Have you noticed how much I’ve aged lately? It’s like I’ve gone from age 35 to age 85 in a year and the most obvious signs of this are the lines on my face. They’re definitely deeper than they were and I don’t think I can reverse the damage, which sucks, cause it’s...

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Peculiar Behavior

So, I’ve been studying my pain lately, cause it’s killing me and I need to get to the roots of it... I need to know what triggers the intensity of things. Is it my environment? Is it my past stories? Is it a negative energy that has become me and has manifested in my...

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Monsters

              Have I ever told you what a monster is? It's all the emotions of who we become, from all the pain of our past experiences... the negative emotions and the stories that come along with them. And Monsters are heavy. They’re destructive, and that’s when we...

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Waiting For My Massage…

I'm just sittin' here, at my massage therapists office, waiting for my massage therapist to give me a massage. I’m hoping he can fix the numbness going on in my left arm, specifically the tricep. It’s making my hand weak, and it’s scary. But, what sucks the most about...

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Tip of the Iceberg

I'm embarrassed to tell you this, but I'm still immature... I've been telling you I was gonna Turn Pro, but I haven't, and I think I'm further away from a Pro, now more than ever... And, I’m not gonna lie, I’m pissed at myself for letting this happen, but I’m also...

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How’s Your Story Go?

Based on what you know about yourself... And then, the stuff you’re not telling yourself. And the stuff you’re lying to yourself about... How’s the story of your life gonna go, moving forward? Which is really the story you’re telling right now... How’s today’s story...

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I’m Finding Life Pretty Hard Lately

I feel a sense of relief, I think. I’ve made some decisions and I’ve taken action on some things to fix the loose ends that were bothering me. I feel like I finally have room to breathe and I can see more clearly. I have a sense of peace I’ve been looking for, which...

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Myofascial Unwinding

Sometimes my cat named Kitten comes out with this ungodly meow... It’s like a meow that has an attitude behind it, like she’s demanding something. Usually happens when she wants to go downstairs, so she's really yelling at me, saying, "Open the fucking door." And to...

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Rejection

Hey, girl, it’s me. Do you know what today is? It’s the anniversary from the first time I hit you up, and you shot me down. But don’t worry, I wasn’t mad. I was relieved actually cause I knew you weren’t ready for someone like me, but you would've fallen for me and...

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Indian Point Road

I have this picture of me and my grandfather, I’m drivin' the boat and he’s behind me, making sure I go in the right direction. I'm about three, and all I see is this innocent little girl that looks so cute and squishable which then makes me wanna cry, cause I see so...

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One-Legged Unicorn

So many people like to bitch about shit that really doesn’t matter, and it really annoys me, so I thought I'd bitch about why it annoys me, to you. Cause that's what I do when I get annoyed by the world... I tell you how I feel, so I can get rid of the emotions I...

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Life After Death

Just because your cell phone rings or dings doesn’t mean you need to answer it instantly. Especially when you're driving. It’s not acceptable, if you ask me. That’s how you kill people 'accidentally.' When you're driving and trying to text or look at something on your...

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Perspectives

Eventually can find all the stories in chronological order on Medium, here and here. Or, on other platforms you like to play on, cause I got stuff on them all. But, what’s cool about the one on Medium is, depending on which Medium story you follow me on, you get a...

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First Cup of a Coffee

When I first moved to B.C, back in December 2017, so many changes happened all at once, but the most devastating change of all was the way my coffee started tasting. I had to use a new bean, cause I was in a new place, and for some reason, the beans I was buyin’ just...

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Cookie Recipe

I'm sharing a cookie recipe with you cause it's amazing and I think you’ll really like it. Mainly because they're actually pretty healthy… They don’t have flour, just a straight up cup of peanut butter and 3/4 cup of brown sugar. And it’s not that peanut butter is...

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Helping Hand

I’ve been listening to this podcast called Course in Miracles lately. I’ve been working it into my morning routine, which I confess, hasn’t been consistent, but at least I’m trying... I'm tryin' hard to stand back up and get ready for all the plans I made, all of...

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Beautiful Human Being

People sometimes say things to me like, pretty soon Sarah, you'll have to start changing your stories to be more positive… Or that they worry about me, and maybe I'm trying too hard to achieve too much, all of which I find really fucking annoying. That's why I'm...

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Lost Souls on the Street

I mean it’s not a bad view. I’m surrounded by mountains and the ocean... And I'm minutes away from trails that run through forests that I know nothing about, but they make me feel so free, cause I can test my agility and my balance and coordination. And I can run...

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layers of pain

I've always had a dream of having a family I could depend on. A family I felt loved and supported in. A family I could also call my friends. But I never really had that. My family ties were cut into pieces of pain before I was even alive… And then when I came into it,...

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My Morning View

Hello Friend. It’s me and it’s January 1, 2018. It's 7:30 am. I’m still in my pyjamas and my hair looks like I stuck my finger in a socket, but it’s cool, my cats still recognize me, and that's all that matters… I’m sitting here by the huge window in my new living...

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