MONKEY MIND

The Voices in the Back of My Head

In A Bad Mood

I’m in a bad mood... It’s the first day of my period and my cramps feel like gremlins are ripping my uterus out... Plus, I have like a million self-inflicted demands I’m trying to manage. I already told you about them so I’m not gonna get into them here, but I would...

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WTF Was I Thinking?

I seriously don’t know what the fuck I was thinking... watercolour painting? Calling myself an artist, all because Beverley said I should?? Yeah, what does she know, she’s not here anymore, so how am I suppose to figure this out? YouTube videos are not helping and it...

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600 Paintings in 30 Days

I’m still doin' it. Letting (HIM) stop me from turning a new level of Pro. At least, I think that's what I'm doing... ...it's either (HE’s) stopping me from doing the work I'm supposed to do to get to the next step I need to get to, or (HE’s) stopping me from taking...

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The Feeling of Falling in Love

It’s happening... I can feel it. Today, I felt it more than ever... Felt what? The feeling of falling in love... and damn, does it ever feel good. What’s most crazy about this phenomenon is, I haven’t fallen in love with anyone specific, it’s more like I’m falling in...

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Listen To Your Grandmother

              Sittin' here on the beach, drinking a cold pop, thinkin' about what’s goin' on with you... with me... her... the one we let get away... and the pieces in between. The big move that’s happening, and what that means. Also, thinking about my plans to try...

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Happy To See You Go

Hey, it’s me. I know we haven’t talked in awhile. Not like this, anyway. I’ve been busy saving the world... finally. That’s right, asshole... I’m doing everything you tried to stop me from doing. And you know what the best part about this is? The pain is going away. I...

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I Made a Doctor’s Appointment

              I did it. I called and made a doctor's appointment... Are you fucking kidding me? Why? I thought we talked about this? I thought we agreed that you were gonna wait till June 9th, till we got the pieces in place? Yeah, well, today it feels like this pain...

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Keep Fighting

              I feel different today. Like I'm lighter... More free than I was yesterday. I wonder why? Do you know? No. Maybe it has something to do with the pain being different... It’s, like, not the same, like I released something. I just don’t know what. Maybe...

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WTF

I woke up this morning and stretched... I felt happy, and I was gonna get up and get a coffee and do my morning routine. But, as I stretched, my toes submersed into something that felt like cold pudding. I stopped mid-stretch to contemplate what it could be before...

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You’re Dead To Me

I’m so proud of you.   For what?   For everything you’ve accomplished.   You just never seem to give up, even though I’ve tried to stop you...   I’m so proud of you for standing your ground and taking back your power. I’m proud of you for not letting me keep you stuck...

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Wizard of Oz

I don’t even care that things didn’t work out the way I expected them to. But, then again, I don’t even know what I was expecting... Which is actually something I’m starting to let go of... Expectations. Which I’m very relieved about cause it was my expectations of...

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I’m Not Really Alone

The only reason why I put Netflix on is so I don’t feel so alone. But then, when it’s on, that’s when I lose you, and then I remember I’m not really alone. That’s just (HIM), making me feel that way. So, I just wanna say thank you for always being here with me, even...

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Tug of War

  I just wanna be ahead of myself. Why? Cause then I’ll know something... What? ...myself. That’s what all the stories are about. Cause when I know myself, I’ll know what I really want and where I wanna go. And I’ll have the courage and the strength to make it all...

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Suffocating

  I can’t breathe... I can’t catch my breath... I’m barely alive and I’m losing my self... It’s so many things... So many specks of sand. It’s like I’m digging my self into a grave and I can’t stop myself... It’s so bad, I’m actually burying myself. Or is it even me?...

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I Can Do This

I need to finish the suffocating piece. It's an important part of the story, cause it's gonna help me understand something, I think. Then, I need to write about what I’ve been doing for the pain, so I can understand what’s working and what isn’t. Then, I need the pain...

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Lost

I don’t know how much time I have left... The pain I have on the right side of my body feels like death. I’ve done everything to try and fix it, and I’m suffocating in debt. There’s no way out of it and I tried to believe it was just a muscle imbalance problem caused...

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Will You Replace Me?

Today, I have the potential to really get ahead. To really go all in on the work I’ve been working so hard at, so that I could get to this place that I’m at. This place of progress and feeling good about what I’ve done. Feeling good with good enough and to say I...

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I Blew Up in My Face

I feel weird tonight. Unsettled and unsure about what’s happening, and what to do next... Stuck at a standstill as usual, but this time it’s different. I’m not stuck in my war of art, I’m stuck in my self. I don’t know what I want exactly and that’s stressing me out....

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I Just Wanna Be Pro

I wake up and my loneliness hits me like a ton of bricks. Another day stuck doin’ the same shit. The same routines. The same cup of tea. The same mindnumbing act of editing my life story... ...I just wanna be Pro. I wanna be ready to go. I want a new opportunity to...

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Crossroads

The one thing I consistently hear you saying is, "Finish getting the pieces together, Sarah." I truly feel like the story is the thing to focus on, because the story helps me heal. It’s helped me learn from myself and that's how I will build Satori. And that’s when...

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Stop

I think she’s trying to tell me to stop everything. Stop working so hard, to get somewhere so fast... Stop trying to be where I’m not... Stop. Stop. Stop. She doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes as before. She doesn’t want me to walk away, like I did last time...

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Trying To Kill Me…

Can you just please tell me what’s wrong? Can you please tell me what I’m not seeing? I’m just so tired of this, I can’t take it anymore. I’m losing because of you and it’s all because you wanna stop me from moving forward. But, why? That’s not what you said when you...

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Something Left

              Something left last night and something new came today. I think it was another version of myself and now I feel like someone else. And it’s a very weird feeling...         RAISE YOUR FREQUENCY WITH DAILY MESSAGES FROM SPIRIT Don't let the voices in the...

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Barely Breathing

It turns out, my face is crooked. My jaw has shifted, dramatically, to the left, throwing off my bite and moving my cheek bones out of place and that’s why my face is crooked. Plus, my teeth are shifting out of place cause I’m missing, like, 4 important teeth, top and...

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Emotion-Based Decisions

I wanna be who I wanna become now. My patience is running out. I’m tired of feeling pain and feeling stuck and feeling like I’m not going fast enough. I wanna skip all this hard stuff and get to the places I’ve been dreaming of. I’m so close, but I’m so far away and I...

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What Are The Different Versions of Me?

The hardest thing I’ll ever do is convince myself to Turn Pro. And I think I just accepted why... I’ve been working on my Cancer Diaries because I’m in the process of cutting up the stories and preparing them for their very own Instagram feed (@breastcancerdiaries)....

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The Only Thing Stopping You Is Me…

The only thing that’s stopping you is me... I know. I just don’t know why. Do you know why? No, not really... Bu,t I have some ideas, I just don’t know if they’re right... What are they? Well, I thought maybe it’s because you’re actually telling me to stop you......

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Acceptance…

Guess what? I figured out what my pain is from. And, you were right, all along... I should've listened to you. I should have paid more attention to the signs you were giving me. And, I guess, in a way, I was, that’s why I was doing all those one-off therapies. I...

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I Think I Tricked Myself

Hi. I know I haven’t talked to you a few days. It’s cause I’m trying to Turn Pro, so I’m STILL working my ass to sort all the pieces out. I need to do this, so I can see where I’m at. And it’s good. It’s all coming together but it’s taking a lot longer than I...

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I feel defeated again

So, I have this fear that I’m all out creative ideas and I think I lost my voice. I was on a roll there last week and my writing was finally coming to a place that I could trust that it was good enough to Turn Pro. But today... and yesterday, I don’t feel that way...

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I’ve Gone Backwards

              For whatever reason, I have gone backwards. Maybe not to you, but for me, this is the worst I’ve felt since I was at my worst. This pain I have is killing me... It’s always there, and I can’t escape it, and it makes me not want to go out and do what I...

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I’m on the ground, in the fetal position

I I know what you're doing. You left my psoas yesterday for the first time in months but you didn’t actually leave you just moved back to my jaw. So let me ask you, my friend... What do you want from me? I’m willing to do anything to ensure you’re happy. I know I’ve...

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Turning Pro (Level 54)

              Katy and I spent today editing my stories for my planned Medium launch on Thursday, but I don't feel good about it. I'm worried my work still isn't good enough. I'm afraid to put them out for people to read… Why? What is it I’m really afraid of? Do you...

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So, I See You Failed Again

So you failed again, I see. You said you were gonna workout today and you didn’t. You didn’t do shit. Instead, you sat around "working" on your computer all day. And I realize you're trying to finish something to with these "stories" but it’s not doing us any favours...

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Ok, You’re Right. I Do Need to Exercise

Ok, you're right. I do need to exercise. And, it is me. And you're right, I can do something, it doesn’t have to be much. That’s why the 75 kettlebell swings was supposed to work But, to be honest... When I did it, I had a lot of mastectomy pain afterward and I hate...

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It’s a Love Story

It’s a love story, about falling in love with yourself and then showing what that looks like, and how it can then attract true love, and then showing what that looks like, too. Showing how someone goes from destruction to Satori... And how Satori can give you healing...

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My Face is Crooked

My face is crooked and I can’t accept it. I’ve tried. But, all I see is two different versions of me and I hate one side more than the other, and it drives me crazy. Which turns into a big problem, cause it’s stopping me from Turning Pro. How can I put myself out...

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When You Read My Stories

When you read my stories, you peek into my forest, and you get to hear about my trees and all the bushes and twigs that are around them... And all the roots I still live in and the resistance I have in getting rid of them. And, in my forest, that's where my Monsters...

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Maybe I’m Just Paranoid

Someone I need to trust has gone behind my back on something I specifically asked to be a part of. And now, my Monster is losing it and so am I. But we haven’t reacted yet. We’re thinking about this behind the scenes to see how to proceed. We don’t wanna blow...

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I’m still shy

I’m on the ferry right now on my way to Vancouver for a business meeting that is probably pointless. But I’m doing it anyway cause you never know where connections will take you. But I don’t get out much. I like to keep to myself, cause I find most people’s frequency...

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in person

It’s Sunday and I promised myself I'd write to you on Sundays. So that's what this is... Me writing to you when I said I would.  That's called a follow through, and not something I normally do. Which is why I wout just cause I’m doing today, doesn’t mean I’m actually...

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You’re keeping things from me again

Hey it’s me. It’s been a slow painful week. I’ve been spinning in circles with sorting all of these pieces of myself.  And I don’t feel like I’m making much progress. But I decided I don’t care. I don’t care what happens anymore with the property and this Satori...

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I Can’t Cry

I’ve been feeling very frustrated lately. Stuck. I have so many things on the go, I don’t know what to focus on and I feel like I'm running out of time. And I’m worried if I don’t figure this out soon, Arnold is going to lose it on me. And you might think Arnold would...

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Everywhere all at once

Hello friend it’s me. All day I’ve been thinking about you. I mean you’re always in the back of my mind but I never say much to you cause I’m not sure what to say. I feel like we’ve been through so much together, and it’s been nothing but resistance lately. I say I’m...

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I think I know what I have to do…

It happened when Arnold and I went to Saint Lucia back in December. We'd just finished writing the business plan, and than this guy in a green hoodie said he would destroy everything if we didn't find 5 million dollars that day. And I tried my hardest. I worked my ass...

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I’m afraid

Last Friday, Arnold and I went to pick out a couch for the Satori phase one location. We spent like 2 hours at this one store before we finally decided on something, but we didn’t buy it right away because we needed to check the dimensions in the living room to make...

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I know what it’s like to be a junkie

Did I die and now I’m trapped inside my mind, trying to make peace with my unfinished symphonies, before I can really cross over to where heaven is? Or did I get out of my setback alive, but I’ve gone back to my past, and now I can’t see the forest through the trees,...

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