WTF Was I Thinking?6 min read

by | Jun 2, 2018 | Monkey Mind

I seriously don’t know what the fuck I was thinking… watercolour painting? Calling myself an artist, all because Beverley said I should??

Yeah, what does she know, she’s not here anymore, so how am I suppose to figure this out?

YouTube videos are not helping and it doesn’t seem to matter how much I ask her for help, I get nothing. And now, at this very moment, I must accept the harsh reality that I suck. I fucking suck. And I’ve practiced a lot…

At least 4 days now and I’m not improving at all. Not even a little bit.

And this isn’t my monster talking. This is me. I know myself now and I know when I’m good enough and I know when I’m not and I know I’m not good at this and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the disappointment. I just wanted to be somewhere different so bad…

I just wanted to be someone awesome by now and I thought it was happening, and now I feel like it’s not and I seriously feel like I’m suffocating again…

And it’s evident on my Biopulsar scans.
Plus, my psoas is still stabbing me again, so that hasn’t changed like I thought it did.

And it just seems like everything I planned is changing in ways I wasn’t prepared for…

And, if I’m honest with myself, everything I thought I wanted I don’t think I really want anymore.

Everything I thought I was isn’t who I’m becoming and I’m exhausted with always planning and then realizing I failed at achieving my plans, and now I feel like I’m running in my forest again.

I lost Satori a long time ago and I was trying to get it back, but I don’t it’s possible if I stay on the path I’m on.

Because I, once again, have fear controlling me and I thought if I could become an artist I could get back what I lost, but now I don’t know if being an artist was the way to Satori at all. 

…I’m starting to wonder if Satori is even possible.

I’m starting to think I was my resistance all along and maybe my Monster was right about my true potential?

Did you hear that, asshole?

Are you happy now… just like you wanted, I’m going nowhere.

I’m not Turning Pro and I’m not even upset about it anymore.

I’ve accepted that it’s easier this way and easy would be nice for a change.

And I think this is the only way to loosen the noose that keeps suffocating me…

So, soon I’ll have to speak my truth about things…

The truth being that I’m not interested in an extraordinary life and I’m not interested in watercolour painting and I’m not interested in saving the world and I’m not interested in becoming the best version of myself, because I’m pretty sure the harder I try to become someone else, the more I change, and then my plans change and I can’t seem to figure who I’m really trying to become and I hate that more than I wanna be someone awesome, so I’m just gonna stay who I am.

Goodnight.

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